"Arctic Death, Infinite Night"

If there is anything I've learned from spending a significant amount of time in what some would consider an unacceptably chilly environment, it is that there is nothing better than being warm. I used to think the Match Girl was a little foolish to have squandered all her matches, not to mention unrealistically weak to have died after just a couple hours out in the British winter. Now, I don't know what would have happened to me if I had a particularly callous father and only a small number of matches.

Fortunately for me, I will likely never have to worry about such a circumstance! And thanks to my experience in the northern latitudes of the world (the longitude remains a mystery), I have a fulcrum of wisdom on the subject.

OK, apparently "fulcrum" isn't the right word at all. I looked it up. Then I have a LOT of wisdom--is that better, American Heritage Assholictionary? Good.

One very helpful measure to take when pursuing icy ambitions is to slap on some long underwear. I suppose you could put them on, too, if they're not suitably elastic. As I have already mentioned, long underwear is to food what manna is to God. Wait, that's not right. It's a good thing they got rid of that part of the SATs before I took it. (I think clothes should be somewhere in that analogy?)

It's a good idea to wear a coat and not misplace it.

I have rather long hair, which comes in quite handy in terms of extra warmth in the proximity of my head region. Long hair is thus a strategic cold-weather stratagem. In the celebrated words of Vince Noir, "My hair's virtually a hat."

"My hair's virtually a hat."

Notably, Vince Noir has also said such things as, "My name is Vince, but I'm not a prince," when talking to a fox on crack.

Perhaps my cold weather tips are of some use to you! If they aren't, I'm sorry, but Google has around 11,000,000 related webpages to offer you on the subject.